Chab Gassie

Update 1 March: The Department of Australian Secret Intelligence advises that Chab Gassie did eventually work out you have to actually meet the person to paint them for the Archibald. He truly does put the ‘amateur’ in ‘amateur artist’. See his entry of somebody who isn’t even famous.

The Department has decided to send Grumplefluff to talk to King Cheetah. The poor thing looks scared. It’s still walking around Sydney, visiting watch shops and eating cheese sandwhiches. It should be interesting.

I’ve decided to launch a tilt at the Archibald Prize for 2010. The Archibald Prize is an Australian portrait competition where people paint “…preferentially… some man or woman distinguished in Art, Letters, Science or Politics…”. I have almost zero chance of winning – I have as much chance of winning this as a division four side would of winning the FA Cup – but some of the entries that have won in the past have been complete rubbish, so it’s not impossible for me to win.

All I have at the moment is a piece of board from Bunnings. I like to paint on board because the canvas leaves a texture that I don’t like. I don’t know how people came to paint on canvas. Why didn’t we stick to rocks and wood? I guess it’s something to do with logistics. I’m too busy to look up the history.

So who should I paint?

I drew Jennifer Garner, but she’s not Australian, so I’ll have to keep thinking.

I’d like to paint Sean Micallef because he is a god, known for being funny, but he’s quite popular now so I’m worried other people will do that.

I’d like to paint journalist Samantha Lane, known for talking about football, but I’m only one degree of separation from her and there’s a chance I’d meet her and it would be kind of weird to meet somebody I’m painting from photos without them knowing.

I’d like to paint Joe Hockey, known for being loud and large, because he is kind of round and looks easy to paint. And I think there’s a good chance he will become more famous because Malcolm Turnbull over-estimates his own abilities.

I don’t know. I’ll ask the muse. When’s this due?