Chab Gassie

I have been on board one of the Sea Shepherd vessels and I was there when the Steve Irwin set sail for the first time ever. I make sure I tell people this when I’m in a bar of cafe and the issue of environmentalism comes up.

“I keep a bucket in the shower with me and then I use the water on my herb garden.”

“Well, I turn my home-office shredder and my 7.1 surround sound system off at the wall when I’m not using them.”

“Well, I also care a lot about the environment. Isn’t it horrible that people won’t try to save the planet? It’s why I never make toasted paninis with my Italian sandwich press without first turning off my shiatsu back massager or iMac to offset the power I use.”

“Well, I’ve been on board a Sea Shepherd vessel – the one with the big dent in the side from ramming Japanese whalers – and I was there in 2007 when they sent the Steve Irwin out to attack the Japanese for the first time.”

Suck on that!

Actually, I was on board the vessel as part of a tourist tour and anybody in the world could’ve stood dockside while the Steve Irwin was launched – I just happened to be in the area. But I don’t think the truth is what being an environmental poser is all about.

Sea Shepherd are out in the ocean again attacking whalers. The Australian Government totally approves of this which is why we give them a free place to berth in Docklands, Melbourne. The Government has been trying to secretly give the group technology and new techniques to stop the whalers, but it needs to be done subtely so it can’t be traced back to us and this is a problem because the Sea Shepherd captains can’t take a hint.

“Soooo… I see you use the technique of dropping heavy ropes in the path of the ships so they tangle up the propellors and leave the ships dead in the water. I guess it would be useful if, I don’t know, somebody had a way you could laser guide these ropes so they never miss and then small, untraceable explosives could be used to damage the propellor and make the boat unuseable for months.”

“Yeah. Yeah. That would help us save the whales. But what can you do?”

Meanwhile, the Japanese Government gives the whalers what they want.

“Here. Have this non-fatal acoustic device to stop their helicopter. And we’ll reinforce your hull for collisions. And we’ll give you our most powerful water canon. Our navy will be nearby. If Sea Shepherd puts you in physical danger,  let us know and we’ll send in an airstrike. Actually, you can have one of our battle cruisers – we’ll disguise it by writing ‘Research’ on the side.”

Sea Shepherd still wins though.